Until today, I hadn’t worked on my Haunani in over a month. Life and other obligations have gotten in the way, but time is ticking down and we need to get the horrible job of dissembling her completed for once and for all. Even though the sting of her loss gets a little easier with time, I have never gotten used to seeing her in such a state of destruction and disarray. I was pretty “together” for most of the day today, but when it came time to leave, I had a moment. I was looking around at her trusty bones, and a wave of emotion came over me stopped me in my tracks. Everyone else was outside, so I allowed myself the moment. I allowed the sadness to well up and the tears to flow. I closed my eyes and remembered the feeling of her strength as she and I barreled across the Pacific together. As I sat there in her companionway (my favorite spot on my trip) in an urban boat yard, I could almost feel the motion of her strong back as she spirited us through the crazy seas and wind that spiced up our journey to Hawaii. I wandered around to each little space that holds so many memories and let myself take them all in. I even caught myself hugging the bulkhead at one point as I said a long and tearful thank you to my beautiful girl.
I thanked her for being a catalyst for change and healing in my life. I thanked her for giving me the confidence and courage to put one foot in front of the other from the day I bought her to the moment we made it all the way to Hanalei Bay. I thanked her for being so stout and steadfast and for making me feel so safe in the middle of a vast and stormy ocean. I thanked her for all the good times, all the Catalina trips, all the times she provided sacred space for healing and introspection. I thanked her for the hard lessons as well as the smooth ones. I know it’s crazy but I feel like I am talking to a person when I talk to her. I love her so much and I am going to miss her so much when she is really gone. I wish we could sail together one last time, but I know now that our time together ended as it was meant to, and our last epic sail together will forever be emblazoned upon my heart and soul. There will never be another Haunani, that is for sure.