When I decided to embark upon this journey towards The Singlehanded Transpac, I had laser sharp focus and determination. As the months went by and the work on my boat commenced, the laser started to bounce around and flicker a bit. It has even shut off a few times. To say that moving towards my goal of sailing across the pacific alone has been an emotional roller coaster would be a huge understatement. I am proud to say that I have been riding that roller coaster with all my senses highly attuned though, feeling every nuance from confidence and elation, to utter self-doubt and defeat. The process has been and continues to be a huge mirror for me. I can see myself so clearly as I navigate the ups and downs with my eyes and heart wide open. What I have been able to see and reassure myself about the most is the importance of allowing for every feeling. It is one of my greatest gifts (and to be honest, also one of the sources of my greatest pain). The gift part is what I am focusing on here though, because the dedication throughout my life to feel it all and face it all no matter what, is what has brought me here and what has given me the most strength in all of my endeavors, especially this one.
It is the new moon, and this phase always reminds me of new beginnings and darkness being infused with light. Its good timing because I am face to face with one of my biggest fears….being alone in nature at night. I have talked about the night in another post and how much the idea of being alone on the sea through the night scares me. I am about to face it head on as I set out on my 400 mile (solo) qualifying sail in the next month or so. What has helped me know that I can do it is not only my own deep knowing that if I stay present and feel it all, everything will be ok, but the people that I am so lucky to count as my mentors and friends. They have all done it and keep reminding me that I can too. The ones that actually admit how much it scared them the first time give me the most strength, because I know in my bones that I cannot deny that fear, or it will become bigger than I am. Instead of allowing it to dominate me, I am making friends with it. I will be having a conversation with fear until we are best friends and until being alone on my boat in the night seems like the most comfortable experience on earth. No more comfortable than every moment in life, but just like them, because I will allow myself to intimately know all of the parts no matter how scary they seem. I know I can dive into that darkness and come out holding a gem, just like in my life…but I have to take the dive…and I will.
“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”